[Lukias]

I'm not sure if I fucked up the grades, for all I no 4th grade could mean your 7. (I from a far off place, where the women are constantly naked, lathered in coconut oil and....)

"Shit mum!!...turn fucking the light off!!"

[Chapel]

After striking gold in the mountains of Alaska, a lonesome miner comes wandering into a nearby bar. �I�m lookin� for the meanest, roughest, and toughest whore in the Yukon!� he says to the bartender.

�We got her!� comes the reply. �She�s upstairs in the second room on the right.�

The miner hands the barkeep a gold nugget and heads upstairs, grabbing two ice-cold bottles of beer on the way. He kicks open the second door on the right and yells, �I�m looking for the meanest, roughest, and toughest whore in the Yukon!�

The woman inside growls at the miner and says, �You found her!� Then she strips naked, bends over, and grabs her ankles.

�How did you know I want to do it in that position?� he asks.

�I didn�t,� replies the whore, �but I thought you might like to open those beers first.�

[Chapel]

this is one of my favs

Three cowboys � from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas�are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, �Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.�
The Arkansan replies, �Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.�

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[el tigre]

Dunno if this is the one....

Two guys and a girl get stranded on a desert island. The start off fairly civilised but after a month they're all kinda frustrated. The inevitable happens and soon both guys are regularly shagging the woman. Everyones happy until a year later, the woman dies.

Both men are terribly upset and can't imagine life without her. About a week later the men are frustrated again. They eventually decide they can't go without sex and agree to do the unthinkable.

Both guys are happy again until about a month later one of them has an attack of conscience.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So they bury her.


tee hee :�

------------------
Does anyone know the secret formula? :�

[Lukias]

YeeHaaaa....the whore joke & the island one I've heard and there brilliant, but that cowboy one actually made me laugh out loud....fucking hilarious (my work mates thought I was a nutta).

[el tigre]

(Man)"Doctor, Doctor I think there might be something wrong with my wife"

(Doctor) "What makes you think that sir?"

(Man) "Everytime I have sex with her, her toes curl up"

(Doctor) "I suggest in the future you remove her tights sir"
.
.
.
A woman lies in her hospital bed, four months after falling into a coma, while her nurse gives her a bed bath. As the nurse brushes over the woman's clitoris, she stirs. Excited at the prospect of the woman awakening, the nurse seeks the doctor to tell him,

"It's amazing Doctor, the patient seemed to feel the touch of the sponge"

"Really! We must call this womans husband at once and tell him the good news"

Fifteen minutes later the woman's husband arrives at the Doctor's request. The doctor quickly explains the situation and suggests a way the man can help his wife.

"Mr Jones, I feel embarrassed to say this but, after consulting my colleagues, we would like you to have oral sex with your wife in the hope of finally bringing her round. My colleagues and myself will monitor her reactions from another room so you can have complete privacy"

Mr Jones quickly agrees and is shown into his wife's room where she lies unconscious.

The doctors settle in to a room nearby monitoring the woman's vital signs awaiting a change. Five minutes pass when suddenly alarms start to ring and the monitors show that the woman is flatlining

The doctors grab the nearest crash-cart and rush to the room to help. Bursting open the door the find Mr Jones in a state of extreme distress by the bed with his trousers down.

"My god, what happened man!" said the doctor.

"I think she choked"

------------------
Does anyone know the secret formula? :�

[Chapel]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk staggers up to them, points at the guy in the middle, and shouts, �Your mom�s the best piece of ass in town!�

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, �I just did your mother, and she was sweet!�

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, �Your mother was squealing the whole time!�

Finally the guy interrupts. �Go home Dad, you�re drunk!�

[Chapel]

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he�s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she�s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

�Well, OK,� he says, �how a bout a blow job?�

�Yuck!� she screams. �I�m not putting that thing in my mouth!�

He says, �Well then, how about a hand job?�

�I�ve never done that,� she says. �What do I have to do?�

�Well,� he answers, �remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?� She nods. �Well, it�s just like that.� So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

�What�s wrong?!� she cries out.

�TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!�

[hew]

Heres as good Joke, well I thought it was funny:

A lump of black tarmac walks into a bar, orders a pint and as the Barman
is serving him, it says to him 'I'm f*cking hard I am'. The barman
looks a little taken aback but says to him 'really sir, that's very nice
for you'. The black tarmac sits down to drink his pint. When he is ready,
he walks back up to the bar and orders another pint. Again, the barman
serves him the pint and again the black tarmac says 'I'm f*cking hard I am.
The barman is finding this more strange but again says 'really sir, that's
very nice for you'.

This happens a few more times until the door to the pub opens and in
walks a lump of red tarmac. Seeing the red tarmac, the black tarmac gets up
and runs out the back door of the pub. The red tarmac walks to the bar and
orders a pint 'That's strange' says the barman, 'we had a lump of black
tarmac in here just now'. The red tarmac replies menacingly 'Really, where
is he now?' The Barman has a look round but can't see the black tarmac
anywhere 'Oh he must have gone' he replies so he serves the pint and the
red tarmac sits down to drink it.

The barman goes outside to collect some glasses and finds the black
tarmac hiding under one of the tables shaking.

'Hey' says the barman 'I thought you were f*cking hard'


The black tarmac looks at him and says........................


Wait for it..............


It's good........


'Course I am, well hard, but that red tarmac he's a f*cking cyclepath!'



!!

------------------
What doesn't kill me, only postpones the inevitable.

[Lukias]

Darn it's been awhile....


"Doctor doctor, I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking!",
"now calm down, you'll just have to be a little patient".


Doctor doctor, I've got a peanut stuck in my ear and I can't get it it out!",
"hmmm lets see.....I know, pour some warm chocolate in your ear"
"why, whats that gonna do...?"
"I dunno, but it'll come out a treat"


Guy walks into doctors office purely covered in cleanwrap
Doctor- " We'll....I can clearly see your nuts"

Guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm
"bartender, i'll have a shot of whiskey and one for the road"


Guy walks into bar with a stearing wheel wrapped around his crotch
bartender- "Jeez mate!, that looks like it really hurts!"
Guy- "Yeah.......it's driving me nuts!"

2 eggs in a frying pan
1st egg "Hello"
2nd egg "Fucking christ!, a talking egg!!"


till next time.......be well

[Lukias]

Young Billy wanted to be the best, most feared gunfighter in the Old West, and when he spotted Doc Holladay having a beer in a saloon, he asked if he could have a word with him.
"Sure, son, what's on your mind?" asks Doc, looking up at the young man.
"Sir, I want to be the best gunfighter there is, and I'd be in your debt if you'd give me a lesson or two" says Billy.
"Well, the first thing I'd do" says Doc, "is tie the bottom of your holster to your leg so your pistol don't get caught in it when you draw."
Billy does as suggested, whips out his pistol and shoots the string-tie off the guy playing the piano. "Hey, you were right, Doc", says Billy. "What else?"
"If you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, your gun will come out smoother" suggests Doc.
Billy does as Doc recommends, draws again and shoots a cufflink off the piano player.
"This is great, Doc" says the delighted Billy, "anything more?"
"One more thing", says Doc. "Get that tub of lard over there and rub it all over your pistol."
"You mean so it'll slide out of the holster faster?" says young Billy.
"No," says Doc, "so when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano and shoves your gun up your ass, it won't hurt as much."


John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog is in heat and to come talk to you."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here."
He took a rag, soaked it in gasoline and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".

[Lukias]

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."
Betty is hired to play her trumpet on the score of a movie, and she's excited. She's especially thrilled because she got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Betty can't wait to see the finished product. She asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Betty where she can go to see it.
A month later, Betty , with her collar up and wearing dark sunglasses, went to the theater where the picture is playing. She walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Betty turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Betty and whispered back, "That's okay, we're here to see our dog."


At the time of WW 2, There was in Germany a woman who taught her parrot to say "Death to the Nazis! Death to the Nazis!".
One day a german officer passed in her villege, and heard the parrot screaming "Death to the Nazis! Death to the Nazis!".
Of course he was very angry, and he went to the woman and said that if the parrot say it again, he would kill him, and send the woman to concetration camp.
The woman didn't know what to do, so after the officer leaved, she went to the village's priest, and telled him the story.
the priest said: "Don't worry. I have also a parrot like yours, so we can exchange them for some days".
The woman accepted, and the exchange was done.
The next morning, came the officer with his commander, and waited near the parrot, but the parrot said none.
The officer got angry, and tried to make the parrot say something. when he saw that that doesn't work, hoping the parrot will immitate him, he started screaming: "Death to the Nazis! Death to the Nazis!".
The Parrot answered him softly: "May your prayer be heard by god, my son".


Not so great....better ones acomin

[Brue]

a duck went into a bar and asked for some crackers.
bar tender: no we dont have any crackers
THE NEXT DAY
duck goes into the bar and says: you got any crackers?
bar tender: no we DONT have any CRACKERS!
THE NEXT DAY
duck goes into the bar: do you got any crackers?
Bar tender: NO WE DONT HAVE ANY CRACKERS! AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MMORE TIME I WILL NAIL YOUR BILL TO THE BAR!
THE NEXT DAY
duck goes into the bar and says: do you have any nails?
bar tender: no..
duck: Do you have any crackers

[Duckman2]

A old woman finally turns 90, and for her entire life she's wanted to be in a badass biker gang. So she dresses up in her leather jacket that she'd been saving for all of these years hops on her harley and heads down to the meanest biker joint in town. She hops off and makes her way over to the meanset son of a bitch in the bar, and she says to him "I want to be in you gang" So he says alright just answer these questions, "have you ever drank?" she laughs I've been known to knock back the booze" "Alright" says "the biker do you have a motor cycle?" She says go "check it out it's in the lot" "Alright lady final question... Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

......"Hell no but I've been swung around by the tits afew times!"

[Lukias]

Duck walks into a chemist "chapstick please....just put it on my bill"

This is funny. ha ha.

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's
> a prime example offered by an English
> professor at an American University. In-class Assignment for Wednesday
> "Today we will experiment with a new form
> called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off
> with the person sitting to his or her immediate
> right starting from the front. One of you will then write the first
> paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first
> paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person
> will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
> re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story
> coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
> talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The
> story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The
> following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
>
> Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide
which
> kind of tea she wanted. The camomile,
> which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded
> her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked
> camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl.
> His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much
> her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now
> in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
> the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
> had spent one sweaty
> night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
> transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
> resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
> flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
> The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
> the cockpit.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one
> last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
> ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law
> Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
> newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her.
> She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had
> passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television
> to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful
> things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
> she pondered wistfully.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
> of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian
> mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The
> dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
> Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a
defenseless
> target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the
> human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
> Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
> pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
> initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
> atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
> headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie
and
> 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
> conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
> Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi- literate
> adolescent.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
> writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh
> shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING
> TEA??? Oh no I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills &
> Boon novels."
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Asshole.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Bitch.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Wanker.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Slut.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Get fucked.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Eat shit.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Go drink some tea - whore..
> ----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------

[Lukias]

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat
fingers?
A. Well-hung.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a
nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus
have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal

Q. How can you tell the porno star at
the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose,
he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the
gas all over the car.

Q. What do you call a Serbian
prostitute?
A. Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

[Lukias]

TRY ONE OF THESE TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY!!
>
> ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
> 1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
> 2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
> 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time).
> 3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
> 4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say
> "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
> 5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
> and grimace.
> 6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
> huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
> 7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out,
> say,"Sorry,I really prefer it this way".
> 8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
> 9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
> open.
>
>
> THREE-POINTS DARES
> 1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
> double-barreled fingers.
> 2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all
> that,I don't want to have to repeat it".
> 3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
> 4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
> nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
> 5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
>
>
> FIVE POINT DARES
> 1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
> conclude with the singing of the national anthem
> (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
> 2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
> growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10
> times.
> 3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
> 4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
> number two".
> 5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
> in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up
> for one hour.
> 6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
> 7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
> mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut
> up!".
> 8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my
> witness, I'll never go hungry again".
> 9) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
> 10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
> trade?"
> 11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:"Do
> you hear that?" "What?""Never mind, it's gone now".
> 12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
> about it".
> 13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
> lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
> 14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
> important conference call.
> 15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
> 16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
> pants and act genuinely surprised when someone
> points it out.

[kimzoll]

this is a oldie but its good.

whats the first thing that goes through the head of a fly that hits the carfrontwindow when you are driving?

ITS ASS!!!

[kimzoll]

this is a oldie but its good.

whats the first thing that goes through the head of a fly that hits the carfrontwindow when you are driving?

ITS ASS!!!

[Lukias]

There was this businessman who had to meet an important client at the airport. While at the airport bar waiting for his potential client, he sees Bill Gates sitting by himself in the corner. With nothing to lose, he walks over and introduces himself to Bill: " Hello Mr. Gates, I am a big fan and was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

"That depends" replies Bill.

"You see in a few minutes a possible client is going to meet me here, and if I get their business it will change my life. Could you just please walk by and say hello to me as if we were long lost friends? My name is Chuck."

"Sure," Bill agrees happily.

As the time passes Chuck is in the middle of his meeting and Bill walks up. "Hello Chuck, It's been a long time! How have you been?"

Chuck looks at Bill and says with conviction "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting!"

[Lukias]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
>
> The other day I went to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk
if you
> love Jesus" bumper sticker.
>
> I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a
> thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,
so I
> bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
>
> Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I
was
> stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about
> the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had
> changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
hadn't
> honked, I'd never have noticed!
>
> I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting
there the
> guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his
> window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO! Jesus Christ,
GO!"
>
> What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started
honking!
>
> I leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
> loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the
love!
>
> There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard
him
> yelling something about a "sunny beach" ...
>
> I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck
> up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what
that
> meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
> something.
>
> Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and
> gave him the good luck sign back.
>
> My grandson burst out laughing ... why, even he was enjoying this
> religious experience!
>
> A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they
> got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to
> pray or ask what church I attended, but this was when I noticed the
light
> had changed.
>
> So, grinning, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, and drove on
through
> the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the
> intersection before the light changed. I felt kind of sad that I had
to
> leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down
> leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one
> last time as I drove away.
>
> Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
>
> Grandma,

[Lukias]

Enjoy these, please remember that these arn't mine (I wish I was this funny) and that if one takes offense to any of the material.....then....errr....what do you want me to do about it?.
Seriously don't read if your easily offended


Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket, and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown corduroy pants!"

A boy was walking down the street and a car pulled over next to him. A man stepped out of the car and asked the boy, "if you come in the car, I'll give you a piece of candy." The boy replied, "Heck! Give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."


Three old men in a nursing home are discussing the aging process.

One says, "I wish I could take a healthy shit, anymore."

Another says, "I just wish I could take a healthy piss."

Third one says, "Gentlemen, every morning, 7 o'clock sharp, I take a healthy shit, and I take a healthy piss every morning at exactly 10 o'clock. I just wish I could wake up before noon."
A young accountant is convicted of tax evasion. To set him as an example, the judge sentences him to a maximum security prison. He is to serve his time with the "high risk" population.

The young accountant (barely tipping the scales at 140 lbs) ends up in a cell with the huge, muscled, psychotic leader of a satanic bike gang. The accountant has heard about life in prison, especially for little guys like him, and begins to fear for his "anal virginity."

Everything is quiet until the guards call for lights out. The accountant's cellmate (the biker) approaches him and growls, "Now we're going to have sex. Do want to be the man or the woman?"

Not expecting to have a say in the matter, the smaller man squeaks, "I'd like to be the man, please."

The biker unzips his fly, points to his penis, and says, "Then get on your knees, honey, and suck your wife's dick!"


A handsome, well-dressed young man sits down at a bar and orders a shot of twelve year old scotch. The bartender figures he's just showing off and wouldn't know twelve year old scotch from two day old scotch. Not wanting to waste his best hooch, the bartender pours the young man a shot of four year old scotch. The young man downs the scotch and says, "That was four year old scotch. I asked for twelve year old."

The bartender figures it was a lucky guess, so he pours the man a shot of eight year old scotch. The young man drinks it and says, "That was eight year old scotch. I want a shot of twelve year old." By this time, a crowd has formed. The bartender sighs and pours a shot of twelve year old scotch. The man sniffs the scotch and drinks it--savoring every drop. "Now, THAT was twelve year old scotch!" he proclaims. The crowd applauds.

Fifteen minutes later, an old drunk hands the young man a shot of something. "Here, bro! Try this!" The man examines the liquid and takes a sip. He spits it out and yells, "That's piss!"

"Right!" says the drunk. "Now tell me how old I am!"


Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

A :Being able to fucking walk

Billy goes to his first day of school and for the entire day, the whole class makes fun of his head, calling him 'Billy Big-head,' 'Big-Head Billy,' 'Billy Balloon-head,' etc. By the time school lets out he's on the verge of tears.

Billy returns home to his mother and runs into her arms, and finally starts crying and crying. "Mom," he blubbers, "all the kids at school were making fun of me, calling me 'Billy Big-head,' 'Big-Head Billy,' 'King Head,' El Cabeza Grande, ' all sorts of things. It just wouldn't stop."

"Oh honey," consoles his mother, stroking his hair. "I have an idea. Why don't you take your mind off your day by going to the store for me. You could get us a gallon of milk, a loaf of King's Hawaiian bread, some rolls of paper towels, and a sack of russet potatoes.

"Okay, mom," said Billy, still sniffling slightly. "But where am I going to put all those groceries?"

"How about in your hat, Big Head!"


A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body."

She stammers, "You mean..." "Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normal head."

The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body! She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful suprise for you!"

The kid looks up at her and replies, "I hope it's not another hat."


This guy is driving down I-95 in Florida returning to Century Village and his wife calls on the cell phone:

"Irving," she says, "Be Careful! On the news they said there is a maniac going the wrong way down the highway!"

Irving replies, " No, Goldie, there are hundreds of them!"

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
" Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

Q: What's the difference between Neal Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: One's a man who walked on the moon, and the other fucks little boys in the ass.