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Topic : "The Story Of The 4 Stars." |
Matthew
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 Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 3:08 am |
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Hello
I have been working on a story but it seems like it never will be finished. I also made some characters to the story but I growed tired of them after learning more and more about anatomy.
I think it is a cool idea to post the Story here and then you and all the others here can make a continuence to the story. Feel free to come up with anything related to the story and put it in posts after mine here.
Always mark story chapters with a " mark, I guess it will be easier to follow if anyone makes comments and stuff between.
The Story Of The 4 Stars
"It has been said that everything is written in the stars, but I�m not so sure about that anymore. It all began during the Dark Medieval ages and I was known as the towns shoemaker by the name of Duncan. The town that I lived in looked and smelled just like any other town during the Dark Medieval ages, except for one thing, we were all unaware that we were affected by a Force greater than anything else.
I think that even Caragon, a monster who lived in the deep forest was unaware of the great force that surrounded us.
The Faith and believing in the Old one kept me alive, at least for the moment. The Old one was the God of all times and as long as you gaved him gifts he was satisfied. The Old one knew himself that he was stronger than anyone and that nothing could make him feel fear. He also had a secret, he possessed one of the 4 Stars which made him a powerful force that surrounded the Town of Claidu.
These 4 Stars held the calm in the Universe so with The Old One having one of them was not a good thing.
4 Stars from another time and another place and they were all important for the balance, a balance that would be disturbed only when someone would say the right words or when someone were about to do the right thing. The 4 Stars could only be the Property to a Hero and the Hero was getting closer. The 4 Stars could be either Good or Evil, it all depended on who claimed the Stars first. The Struggle was then and the Struggle is now, right here and now in the Dark Medieval time.
My name is Duncan and I will Continue the work of my Grandfathers."
Chapter 1
Nightinggale
"That day was the day of Nightinggale, a spoiled kid who was the son of Achtur � The Towns King. He had Messerschmidt as his protector.
Messerschmidt was an old fox who had managed to become a friend with the King and after proven his skills turned into one of the kings best protectors. A Protector was both a Bodyguard and teacher to anyone who needed it, and if you could afford it. The payment as a Protector was very good because of the risks that were involved. So as Nightinggales protector you can only imagine that Messerschmidt was earning a hole lot of money.
They called it the day of Nightinggale because it was his birthday, a time when every youngster had to prove their honour and braveness towards the Town and King. Nightinggale was not priveligied although he was the son of the King.
The first test, you or the one whom skills had to be tested had to go through 10 pecs of Fire. Pecs was the measurement used in the Town of Claidu. One Pec was like one trees length. The test started and Nightinggale felt like his heart was beating itself out of his chest, he had been taught by the knowledge of Messerschmidt that you should ignore the pain and so he did. So after walked the 10 Pecs of fire he was finally finished and not wounded a bit.
This was the first and last test for this year at least for Nightinggale who will have to wait one year for the next one.
Taruk was the next inline to walk the 10 pecs of fire, he was not as fortunate as the King�s son. When he passed the 5th pec he suddenly felt a pain in the chest and falled into the fire. Taruk was then out of reach to be saved."
Matthew |
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faustgfx
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 3:12 am |
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wtf?
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Matthew
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 8:00 am |
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I forgot to mentioned earlier, please give C&C and if you think that the Story sucks I won�t take any offense.  |
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Drunken Monkey
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 9:10 am |
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| I think Matthew is 12. That would kind of explain everything. |
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[666]Flat
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 10:33 am |
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Mixing classic literature/mythology (king Arthus et al) with Quake 3 gameplay (four stars = quad damage?!) ain't no good idea. PLZ TRY AGAIN
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edraket
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 11:02 am |
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| You might want to consider what language you want to write in. (I am saying this because I suspect you will be a little bit more literate in your own language) |
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Rat
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 11:17 am |
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I'm going to totally ignore the plot for now and crit the writing itself. I'll go paragraph by paragraph, to make things easier. (and btw, it'd be a lot easier to read if the paragraphs were separated more)
I hope I don't sound too harsh. I'm just gonna point out the writing errors as I see them in a (hopefully) easy to understand manner. At the end, I'll also direct you to a writing community that will definitely help.
To start off with, throughout the entire story, you give the reader too much information at one time. You need to spread it out. Writing fiction isn't about getting straight to the point, but rather giving all the information out gradually. Also, you need to build the characters a lot more. You should't just go straight to the fire walk or whatever. Never, ever explain things within the story that should be explained in, say, and appendix at the end. Also, don't change tense or point of view unless the situation calls for it. It gets extremely confusing.
Paragraph #1:
| Quote: |
| "It has been said that everything is written in the stars, but I�m not so sure about that anymore. It all began during the Dark Medieval ages and I was known as the towns shoemaker by the name of Duncan. The town that I lived in looked and smelled just like any other town during the Dark Medieval ages, except for one thing, we were all unaware that we were affected by a Force greater than anything else. I think that even Caragon, a monster who lived in the deep forest was unaware of the great force that surrounded us. |
First of all, you don't need the quotation mark at the beginning, nor the one at the end of the introduction unless you're going to have other characters in it.
Dark Medieval ages...
Here, it should be one or the other. Dark or Medieval, and Ages should be capitalized. "Dark Medieval" don't sound right together. Personally, I'd go with "Dark" as opposed to "Medieval".
Towns should be town's, and that line should be rethought. Maybe "...known as Duncan, the town's shoemaker." instead of what you have there.
The "Force": To begin with, there should be a period after "except for one thing" as opposed to a comma. And this is another line you should probably rethink. Maybe "we were affected by a Force far greater than anything else. A force of which we were all unaware." Something along those lines. It makes it sound better, and sort of stretches out the first paragraph. And the last line, the one about Caragon could maybe be changed. For example, maybe "I think even the great monster Caragon who lived in the Deep Forest went on unknowing of the danger [or whatever it was] that shadowed us."
Paragraph #2:
| Quote: |
The Faith and believing in the Old one kept me alive, at least for the moment. The Old one was the God of all times and as long as you gaved him gifts he was satisfied. The Old one knew himself that he was stronger than anyone and that nothing could make him feel fear. He also had a secret, he possessed one of the 4 Stars which made him a powerful force that surrounded the Town of Claidu.
These 4 Stars held the calm in the Universe so with The Old One having one of them was not a good thing. |
Faith in what? The Old One? (btw...One should be capitalized) There's also too much information here. You can tell the reader about the Old One gradually, within the story. You don't have to explain it all in one go. Also, you don't need to have "himself" after "...the Old One knew...", and "...stronger than anyone and that nothing could make him feel fear." should be rethought, but I can't think of anything to replace it at the moment.
You shouldn't tell us that he had one of the 4 stars, (4 should be written as "four") or that he's dangerous because he has one. Also, you should't tell the reader that he's the Force surrounding the town. You should tell us about the stars and that anyone who has one is dangerous, but not that the Old One has one.
Also, "town" shouldn't be capitalized and you don't need that last paragraphlet.
Paragraph #3:
| Quote: |
4 Stars from another time and another place and they were all important for the balance, a balance that would be disturbed only when someone would say the right words or when someone were about to do the right thing. The 4 Stars could only be the Property to a Hero and the Hero was getting closer. The 4 Stars could be either Good or Evil, it all depended on who claimed the Stars first. The Struggle was then and the Struggle is now, right here and now in the Dark Medieval time.
My name is Duncan and I will Continue the work of my Grandfathers." |
Again, choose between "Dark" and "Medieval" and "4" should be "four". The first sentence should be redone as well. Maybe something like "The four Stars came from another time and place. Together they determined the balance of the land." Also, the sentences should be shorter so they're easier to read
The next part is a little difficult to read as well. Maybe change it to "The balance could only be disturbed if the right words were said or the right actions were taken." Or something along those lines.
The part about the Hero is sort of confusing and contradicts something you said earlier. It says that the Stars can only be the property of a Hero, but before, you said that the Old One had one. And since I'm assuming that the point of the story is that the Old One has a Star but shouldn't, then you should probably scratch the part about only a Hero being able to have the Stars. Also, it makes the next part about the good and evil make more sense.
Why don't you say that the Stars could be USED for either good or evil, rather that they could be good or evil. And use less word repetition. Don't say "the 4 Stars" as much, but rather use "they". People will know what you're talking about because the paragraph or sentence is talking about the Stars. And why don't you say something along the lines of "this marked the beginning of the Struggle".
Also, you don't need to capitalize "continue".
Chapter 1:
This is hard to crit a paragraph at a time. At least for me. It needs a lot of expanding, maybe change the tense now to third person and have more happening. Maybe instead of saying that the kid was spoiled, show it. It's hard to describe. And instead of saying "kid" say "child" or "boy".
I'll just give you the URL of the writers' forum I mentioned before. The people there will be a lot more helpful than I've been, and they'll probably be able to help you with the first chapter more than I have.
http://www.free-writers.org/forums
If you post your story there, I can just copy this *points up* and paste it into a post there so people know what's already been said.
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Last edited by Rat on Mon Dec 30, 2002 5:55 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Matthew
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 1:28 pm |
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Maybe I should have wrote this in my own languauge yes.
I�m not 12. hmmm are the 4 stars like Quad damage?
Ok Rat I�m looking forward to some more corrections.
Matthew |
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Rat
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 5:56 pm |
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I just edited my first post. You can read the rest of the crit there.
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Matthew
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| Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:01 pm |
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| ok. Thank you. |
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